(Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)
Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.
Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.
Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.
Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own.
(Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)
Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.
Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.
Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.
Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.
Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
If you want to eat pizza and watch Lord of the Rings or Star Wars all day with the occasional sexual break, then you are marriage material.
Don’t forget Doctor Who!
Geeky Valentines Cards! You asked for them, and I’ve done my best to deliver some of the geekiest, silliest, sweetest and wibbly-wobbly-est cards around!
You can buy them on Red Bubble here: http://www.redbubble.com/people/aliciamb/collections/188868-love-and-valentines
It also seems an appropriate time to say thank you to all my followers, new and old, and to the people that have been following my art for yonks! Y’all my preciousesesesss!
The Pokemon theme just popped into my head and I realized that this was the best thing ever in the history of everything.
That I am, and proud :)
Happy Star Wars Day!
Had to be done. :)
Worlds toughest decision…..
I think I would have to choose Jedi
I’ll be going to Hogwarts, but that’s only because Caretaker of the Scrolls at Gondor or Being Secretary To The First Officer of the USS Enterprise-D wasn’t included among the options.
I can’t do any of those. I’m a Baggins. Of Bag End.
D. Go to Middle-Earth.
If one of the choices involved living/traveling in Middle Earth, I WOULD CHOOSE IT IN A HEARTBEAT (assuming I’d be on the side of good, and not a servant of Sauron/Saruman).
However, since that option is not present, I TOTALLY CHOOSE POKEMON!!!!!!!
I want a Bulbasaur, and a Pigeot, and a Pikachu, and a Jolteon, Espeon, Umbreon, Treeko, Snubbull, Rapidash, Elekid, Wartortle, Scyther, Marill, Snorlax, Shiftry, Gardevoir, Mew, Dragonair, Ludicolo, Haunter, Charizard, Stantler, Tropius, Ledian, Politoed, Xatu, Walrein, Butterfree, Arbok, Staryu, Lapras, Lugia, Marowack, Milotic, Graveler, Misdreavus, Chansey, Arcanine, Slowking, Sandslash, Parasect, Bayleef, Suicune, Vulpix, Cradily, Heracross, Dewgong, Octillery, Wigglytuff, Golduck, Miltank, Polywhirl, Illumise, Delibird, Bedrill, Togepi, Ampharos and many, many more! :D
I have no idea who made this gif, but I f*cking love it. I hecka cracked up. XD